tonight...time ticks, i can hear my air conditioner humming, my grandfather clock ticking, the trucks outside on the highway not to far from my house, the warehouses making noise as they work late into the night.
here i sit, with a sun burn, on my living room floor on a scrap of fur as i listen to music and try to finish some work papers.
i don't know what tonight is. for some reason, i feel like i have to blog about it. it's just one of my down moments. maybe it's my music but i doubt it is. i just feel anxious and worried about a few things that go on in my mind, those un-battled wars within myself, the problems i chose not to asess right now, those feelings i shy away from.
just some things rattling around in my mind. both the people who know basically my whole life's story and that i'm in Gor and such, un-conviently are away, one is asleep, the other is probably either getting to bed himself or with some friends. those people you know, the ones that say "i will be here for you" sometimes i believe that, it makes me feel more secure to do so, other times i believe that they are just a wall for my mind to put up to escape from reality and just run away form life it's self, to hide myself from the harsh world, and close myself in a box.
i have things to say, that i don't want to say as i will regret them later on, and, that is not a good thing. i have been down this same road before, though i had a different feeling, i was not afraid of saying my words, though now times have changed, things have changed, i'm afraid of losing everything i worked for in my life over this, to lose things valuable like trust and honor these things i hold near and dear to me. though, we all have things that we lock up in a box with chains in our minds, things that we hide deliberately to keep others from thinking different of us. i will be the first to admit this fact, indeed.
though, i do have paperwork to attend to, aloe to rub all over me, a drink to drink, and a bed to sleep in for tomorrow been a busy weekend, maybe that is what is messing me up, or maybe i'm a little attention deprived. maybe i'm seeing things in a manner i'd rather not see. maybe i'm just feeling a bit of sub drop and just feel like shit in my servery and feel bad about it and what i do. maybe it's just the sun burn talking and the heat of the sun here. maybe there really is something bigger. i don't know yet. tonight has been odd and un-explainable apologies for the mopey post, but this blog has everything, being a slave, isn't always about the highlights of life, a lot of it sucks ass.
life's a bitch.
~petals
here i sit, with a sun burn, on my living room floor on a scrap of fur as i listen to music and try to finish some work papers.
i don't know what tonight is. for some reason, i feel like i have to blog about it. it's just one of my down moments. maybe it's my music but i doubt it is. i just feel anxious and worried about a few things that go on in my mind, those un-battled wars within myself, the problems i chose not to asess right now, those feelings i shy away from.
just some things rattling around in my mind. both the people who know basically my whole life's story and that i'm in Gor and such, un-conviently are away, one is asleep, the other is probably either getting to bed himself or with some friends. those people you know, the ones that say "i will be here for you" sometimes i believe that, it makes me feel more secure to do so, other times i believe that they are just a wall for my mind to put up to escape from reality and just run away form life it's self, to hide myself from the harsh world, and close myself in a box.
i have things to say, that i don't want to say as i will regret them later on, and, that is not a good thing. i have been down this same road before, though i had a different feeling, i was not afraid of saying my words, though now times have changed, things have changed, i'm afraid of losing everything i worked for in my life over this, to lose things valuable like trust and honor these things i hold near and dear to me. though, we all have things that we lock up in a box with chains in our minds, things that we hide deliberately to keep others from thinking different of us. i will be the first to admit this fact, indeed.
though, i do have paperwork to attend to, aloe to rub all over me, a drink to drink, and a bed to sleep in for tomorrow been a busy weekend, maybe that is what is messing me up, or maybe i'm a little attention deprived. maybe i'm seeing things in a manner i'd rather not see. maybe i'm just feeling a bit of sub drop and just feel like shit in my servery and feel bad about it and what i do. maybe it's just the sun burn talking and the heat of the sun here. maybe there really is something bigger. i don't know yet. tonight has been odd and un-explainable apologies for the mopey post, but this blog has everything, being a slave, isn't always about the highlights of life, a lot of it sucks ass.
life's a bitch.
~petals
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